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A Princess, an Elf, and a Demon Walk Into a Bar and For Whom the Pig Oinks
is the very first episode of Disenchantment, being released as a two-part episode. Summary (Part One) Princess Bean already has the wedding day blues when a mysterious figure arrives, claiming he's her personal demon. Elfo hates his happy homeland. (Part Two) How to get rid of an unwanted fiancé? Bean's plan involves a party barge and mermaids. King Zøg tries to make Elfo's blood into an immortality potion. Plot A Princess, an Elf, and a Demon Walk Into a Bar In the castle, Bunty discovers that Princess Bean has tied up her guard and escaped to a pub in town, where she is gambling, drinking, and fighting. After escaping the pub by tossing her stolen coins out and crawling around everyone picking the coins up, she literally bumps into Odval, who informs her it's time to get married, ties her to his sedan chair, and brings her back to the castle. King Zøg is presented with the royal cake, which is fanicfully adorned with frosting, columns, and two small people atop. King Zøg immediately requests "More columns, more frosting," and requests the fake lovers of the top to be changed to a single statue. Of himself. Bean is then brought before King Zøg and Queen Oona. Zøg remarks the a delegation from Bentwood will arrive at any moment, and commands her to "take off those common clothes and come down looking like a princess." Bean immediately complies, tossing her top onto Odval's head. Upstairs in Bean's room, Bunty dresses Bean for the wedding- "Great. I have to wear this crazy veil (A corset) AND pretend I'm a virgin?" Bean laments that her wedding is only for a political alliance, as opposed to love or inebriation as Bunty remarks she was married for a goat. In the courtyard, Zøg, Oona, Odval, and Derek watch as the delegation from Bentwood arrives. King Zøg inquires what he should call the other royal family, one of his ideas being 'Or just brother and sister?' To which Lorenzo, the King of Bentwood, replies, 'We are brother and sister, what of it?' while Bunny, the Queen of Bentwood, strokes his face. Then Prince Guysbert, the Prince of Bentwood, steps from the carriage. Queen Oona's gills flare out, to which King Zøg replies, 'You never do that for me.' The scene switches to Tiabeanie sitting on a windowsill, where she remarks that she 'hates this feeling'. Bunty believes it to be being sober, but Bean replies that she feels like he life is ending, even with her not being able to smile. Bean asks if Bunty wishes there would be a place where people are really, truly happy. Meanwhile, in Elfwood, the hundreds of elves are singing a particularly annoying song about them being happy all the time. Elfo, the only elf who isn't smiling, places bows on heart-shaped candy assortments as he notices his seemingly love interest, Kissy, placing dainty smooches on every box of candy. Elfo proceeds to climb onto the conveyor belt, sending him to Kissy, where the two proceed to make out. The supervisor forces them to break apart, telling Elfo he didn't seem to like his job, Elfo stating it wasn't what he wanted. He then goes to state he's tired of having to be happy all the time. He says he wishes he could so somewhere people are miserable. Back in Dreamland, Bean is walking along the piles of gifts as she sees one jump atop a larger gift, then disappear as she takes a double-take. The box ends up on the floor in front of her, where she picks it up. From the box, a gruff voice prompts her to 'Open the gates of- I mean the ribbon.' When she does, all the candles go out, and she looks inside to see a single eye on black. It shoots out a light, wich has a Batman-style shadow inside with an outline of Luci, saying she's been 'Cursed from the deepest deapths of the Underworld!' When she looked back at the box, Luci formed inside the box, complementing her. Luci slammed the lid shut, where Luci opened it from the inside and jumped in her mouth as she tried to call the guards. He tells Bean that he's not a ghost as she thought- (Ghosts are losers that got murdered)- but her own personal demon. As saying that she's stuck with him forever, she spits him out, sending him slowly flop-falling against the wall of the castle. The scene cuts to a temple in Maru, showing the Enchantress and Emperor Cloyd, who spectate the events of the show through a green flame. The Enchantress says the demonic binding has begun. Emperor Cloyd replies that the emissary, referring to Luci, will steer her toward darkness. They'll need chairs. Dark chairs. Meanwhile, Elfo and Kissy are doing some kissy in Kissy's house. They proceed to presumably diddly do the diddly do. Kissy kinkily comments that Elfo is naughty, where he goes off on a rant about how he isn't such a weird elf and everyone is wrong about him. Kissy is apparently turned on by this, until the Elf King barges in. He finds Elfo, who was hiding under the blankets, and proceeds to punish him by hanging. Pops, Elfo's dad, comes by to tell Elfo a story about his life, taking a chair that was also Elfo's hanging stool. Elfo proceeds to dangle and struggle to breath as Pops tells about his life since meeting Elfo's unknown mother. Back in Dreamland, Bean is doing her best at an attempt to beat up Luci with a mace, as Luci's avoiding all her attacks. She proclaims that she doesn't need a demon to made her life worse, finally hitting Luci head-on. She tosses the demon in a chest, sits on it, when she looks up and sees the demon standing besides her. She kicks him down the stairs, when he appears back in front of her on a crutch when she turns back around. "If you don't calm down, this is gonna be a long forever." In Elfwood, Pops has fallen asleep and the supervisor elf says that elves are too light to hang. King Elf sets a man to stab him, who is stopped by Kissy. She proclaims that he 'can't just kill every guy that kisses her!' and cuts the rope loose. The two proceed to flee Elfwood, but upon reaching the gates, Elfo discovers that Kissy doesn't truly want to leave. Elfo goes to lower the door anyway with the stupidly obvious lever, to which the supervisor wonders why is there. Despite the many warnings of the king, Elfo pushes the lever, opening the gate. Kissy says he'll die out there, to which he replies, 'I'd rather die a big death, then live a small life," and leaves the town, the magic gate shutting behind him. He's almost immediately swooped up by an eagle. In Dreamland, Luci and Bean are talking about what having a personal demon means. He says he's the 'guy that makes you feel good about doing bad things'.Bean asks if he's like a terrible friend, Luci replied noone said they were friends. Bean turns to criticize the cake, and Luci encourages her to change the lettering on it from 'Great Bentwood Dreamland Alliance' to 'Get Bent Dad', which makes King Zøg angerly shout 'BEAN' upon seeing it. Luci and Bean run off laughing. The eagle carrying Elfo drops him after getting bored by the elf's rambling about candy, straight into a war scene between Gnomes- which resemble the gnomes from Gravity Falls- and Ogres. Elfo stands on a stump as he watches both sides kill each other off. He comments that 'he Likes war, but wouldn't say he LOVEs it.' He goes through and pillages the dead bodies, taking a single gold coin and accidentally stabbing an ogre through the eye. He runs off. While walking through the halls in Dreamland, Bean and Luci run into Queen Oona, who says the two need to have a talk as it's her weeding night. Bean proclaims that she 'doesn't need the sex from from her stepmother'. She endures Oona forgetting the word 'testicles', when the Dankmirian queen gets tired of the talk and leaves. Bean's distracted by a bell tolling. Back in the woods, Elfo stumbles across a road, where he's almost run over several times before saying he's hungry and stopping a farm in the distance. The man farming, who simply calls himself Farmer, allows Elfo to eat with him and his wife. Elfo likes the food a bit too much for their tastes and keeps complementing it, so they kick him out. He says a final thank-you when leaving, Farmer replying, 'You're ruining our lives!' The streets of Dreamland are loud as the royal delegation proceeds in. Luci, while sitting in a back room with Bean, comments he isn't comfortable in a church, and begins to drink of bottle of wine. Bean tells him it's communion wine, and Luci spits it out before pouring Bean a glass. They go back and forth on where she should or not. She eventually takes the glass, laminating to Luci on how she wished her wedding day was better. The priestess speaks about God- or, more accurately, if God actually exists or not. Odval comments the religion is new. King Zøg walks in on Luci and Bean, who is tipsy, as she starts off the running joke of thinking Luci is a cat by referring to him as such to Zøg. Zog kicks Luci and pulls Bean over to get her married. Meanwhile, Elfo finally comes across Dreamland. After a moment of wondering why it was so small- (He was far away), he merrily starts towards it. The wedding is already in full swing, the prince and princess about to exchange vows. Prince Guysbert, somewhat of a dope, gives an 'Duuh, OK' to the infamous 'I Do's. After of moment of thought, her father giving her a nod, and the Prince holding up a ring, Bean grows upset and responds with a violent 'No,' smacking away the ring. When fetching the ring, Guysbert impales himself, but is shown to be OK. Bean apologizes, some of the guests stand to leave. Worried, Zøg and the Bentwood delegation close in to talk. It's revealed that Prince Merkimer exists, and he's scheduled to get married in place of Guysbert. The king announces this, and Merkimer is almost suddenly besides the shocked Bean, announcing she would of left Guysbert for him anyway. Guysbert comments he's still alive, the priestess draping a cloth over his face. While beginning the 'I do's, Bean interrupts, yelling at her dad. Zøg is upset, announcing, 'You, do, you do, now just say man and wife.' However, before the priestess can officiate them, the A and B plots merge as Elfo walks through the door to an astounded audience, announcing: 'Hi, I'm Elfo.' A nun'esq lady in the crowd asks what the hell he is, two others responding that he's an elf. Zøg and Sorcerio comment that the elf could be useful. Zog announces that he's give a Zog- a piece of likely high currency- to 'whoever seizes the Elf'. Pandemonium ensues, everyone clamoring for Elfo. In the ruckus, Bean punches through the glass to get out. A piece of her dress rips, giving her a somewhat harmless fall down, where she's joined by Elfo (Who presumably saw the window and followed her out of it.) They're met by a smoking Luci, who asks 'so how'd it go?' The two run past him, Luci commenting 'That good, huh?' and running after them. Back in Maru, the Enchantress comments that Luci is 'preforming exquisitely. Cloyd comments that 'they've been joined by a tiny dork,' then burns his finger on the fire. In the empty wedding hall, Odval notes that Elfo and Bean have fleed, and Merkimer announces he'll track them down. Zøg calls for his knights, asking the head knight who's the best trackers. Turns out the two best are lost, so they have to send out two substantially worse trackers, Turbish and Mertz. The knights run outside and get up on horses, riding off. In the streets of Dreamland, Bean, Luci, and Elfo run off, Bean discarding her crown as she runs. She notices Elfo trip, offering to carry the two. Almost getting cornered by guards, she runs through the Spotted Liver, a pub, but gets cornered in an ally. Luci offers to provide distraction: Doing shadow tricks. It works, and the guards run off. In a room apparently dedicated to discussion, Zøg announces that, for a second, they had and lost riches and magic. Bean and the boys make it out of Dreamland off a probably stolen horse carriage, chased by Merkimer and his crew. One shoots a flaming arrow and hits the back of the carriage, prompting Bean to grab the demon and elf and jump out of the carriage, tumbling down a hill for a while.Pendergast comments that noone could survive that many tumbles, which they do anyway. They run off, Merkimer taking the not-so-tumbly route down. The main trio make it to a place labelled 'the Enchanted Forest'. After walking for a little while, Elfo comments that he's never had a nightmare, asking if this was one. A far-off trumpet signals that Merkimer's crew are still following them. Bean gets an idea, and Merkimer follows their tracks to discover they vanished. He suggests they went down, and Turbish wonders if they went up. Merkimer disregards it, and they continue forwards. Turns out the trio did went up, and they waited in a tree for the trackers to pass. They're met by a fairy that resembles an older, slutty version of Tinker Bell. Bean asks if she can do wishes, and after a positive reply, she wishes for her freedom. The fairy replies that it 'sounds free', and she refers them to the Wishmaster. They thank her, Elfo leaving a coin for repayment. Presumably much later, Luci comments that it's a nice night, then wonders how long it'll be. After tripping, Bean replies they should camp out for the night. the three gather around (and, for Luci, in) a campfire, discussing what wishes they'd all want if given the chance. After Luci comments that he wishes for Elfo to die alone, Elfo comments that "he's making fun of my dreams! That's what friends do!" After this, Bean suggests they go to sleep. When lying down, Bean says that she feels 'this weird feeling I don't what to drink away,' which Elfo classifies as 'Hope!'. Back in Dreamland, every's getting some shut-eye, even the people down in Maru. Upon waking up, Bean comments they have 'a long way to go before getting to the lair'. The pulley leading up to the lair is right there, though. Bean pulls the three up in the pulley singlehandedly, the others refusing to help. Upon pulling themselves up, they find themselves in the eerie lair of the Wishmaster. However, upon meeting him, they find out it's actually a man called the Washmaster, who washes cloths rather grants wishes. Elfo comments 'well, now we know something we didn't know yesterday', directly before the door's knocked open by Merkimer and his crew. The trio run off, ensuing a short chase through the lair. They escape, locking the door, and Bean frantically pulls the pulley back up. However, the pulley is ridden by the blinded Ogre, who angrily hits his club on his hand. Trapped from both sides, Bean and the boys come upon a cliff. Bean mourns that it must be her destiny to be princess and get married, Elfo deterring her- 'Destiny is baloney!' Merkimer agrees, but in his favor. He dismounts the horse and asks Bean for her hand in marriage, but Bean avoids agreeing back falling off th cliff with Bean and Luci. After discovering that the two aren't magically suited for falling, the episode ends. For Whom the Pig Oink The episode begins where the last one ends- Luci, Bean, and Elfo falling backwards off a cliff. After an exclamation of 'No!', Merkimer mourns the 'loss' of 'My poor Princess Tiabeanie.' Behind the knights, however, the blinded Ogre approaches, proclaiming that he smells fear. Merkimer replies that he isn't scared; He was born scared. He sends the knights to fight the ogre. After a short battle, the Washmaster walks up behind them, telling them this is a 'plateau of peace', proceeding to sit down and meditate. The ogre picks him up and drops him off the cliff, when they proceed to continue fighting. Meanwhile, hanging on a branch on the cliff, Bean contemplates to Luci and Elfo that she can get married or die. Luci and Elfo argue over if she should get married or die. However, in their arguing, the branch fell. Mortimer and the knights apparently left while the (blind) ogre looked away, and they arrived where Morimer guessed they'd fall as the trio land on the knights, breaking their fall. Mortimer worries over his unharmed face for a moment, but he realized it was Elfo's face he felt. While apologizing to Elfo, the ogre lands on the prince. After the title card, the trio is riding with the knights on their way back to Dreamland. Mortimer is telling his life story to an aggravated Bean. Asking for her life, Bean responds with a grunt and getting smacked with hanging signs. They finally make it to the castle gates, fanfare getting chopped off by the falling gate. Mortimer proclaims he retrieved 'Princess Bean and this priceless sack of elf', dropping Elfo on the floor. Luci introduces himself, Zog deciding to kick him aside as he still believes he's a cat. Zog orders Elfo to get crammed in a cage. Bean explains that Elves need to frolic and be jolly, so Zog puts feet holes in his cage. He sits down and orders Elfo to dance, starting a clap tune. veryone joins as Elfo starts a cheery tune on his flute, starting to dance. Elfo falls over, his cage rolling away and down the stairs. Zog says someone should make sure he's ok, then diverging off to say that there's a wedding to plan. Bean criticizes his word choice. Scene change to Bunty giving Bean a bath, helping her to be 'clean as a child on his funeral day'. She commented on how her child was clean when they buried him, and Bean replies that he's in a better place now. She comments on how she doesn't what to be insensitive about Bunty's dead relative, but she doesn't want to marry the prince. Odval, taking a bath in the tub besides her, comments it's her duty as a princess. Across from Odval in the same tub, someone with blond hair pops up and comments that noone else is storming the castle. Meanwhile, in Sorcerio's lab, the wizard is busy, experimenting with elf's blood. Zog comes in and takes a bite of a carrot with eyes. Sorcerio tells Zog that Elfo may be much more useful than they thought originally, and takes a book off the shelf. He blows th dust off, blowing the rest of the book away with it. The wizard comments that he's read it before, and goes to state that elf's blood is magic. An excited Zog questions about an elixir of life, Sorcerio affirming it's possible. Back in Bean's room, Elfo is interrupted by Luci as he tries to watch Bean change. Hearing Luci's shout of 'whatcha lookin at', Bean drags Elfo to a corner and hangs his cage on a hat stand against Elfo's 'i was admiring the towel'. Little pervert. Bean, ignoring him, comments that she can't marry Merkimer, contemplating killing him. Luci encourages this with his 'do it's, commenting they can hide the body. Elfo retaliates that Luci isn't murderer, despite her killing Guysbert- (Who's still alive, but suffering greatly). Bean suggest a few drinks to think. She leaves to put her boots on, Sorcerio budging in to ask if he can borrow Elfo, proclaiming he needs to 'pick his brain... Through his nostrils!' Bean and Luci leave to presumably get some drinks, Luci asking how they're gonna kill Merkimer. They come across a poison shop, deciding to have a look. Inside, the man displaying poisons accidentily kills himself with a poison 'so poisonous, you can't even hold it in a bottle'. After another man comes out to help, Bean comments she may not be comfortable with murder. Luci suggest just driving him mad with her indeciveness. She exits the store, suggesting rubbing a sick chicken over his face. The bells toll, a decorative clock thing displaying men paddling towards mermaids. That gives Bean an idea, but upon asking Luci she notices he's eating the chicken. Back with Elfo and the wizard, Sorcerio is extracting blood from Elfo with the help of a huge machine. He shows King Zog a volunteer, Lord Lingonberry, that's going to test the blood. They strap the lord down- 'This is the most interesting thing that's happened to me!'- and Sorcerio drops the drip of blood on his head. After a moment, they unbuckle Lingonberry. He's dead, a lever dropping him into a pig pit. Sorcerio muses that they'll need more blood, instructing 'Mop Girl' to milk him. In the Wedding Delegation area, Bean prepares to proposition her plan to Markimer: Have a bachelor party on a party barge, that just so happens to go for mermaid Island. What Merkimer doesn't know: Let him get lured in by the mermaids. He agrees, Bean's talking cat commenting that he's an idiot. In the wizard's lair, Sorcerio is conducting more experiments with Elfo's blood. Bean comes in, shocked at Elfo's pale state. She tells Zog to pick on someone his own size- like a barn- whereas Zog replies he just wants to leech the magic out. Bean calls him selfish and cruel, to which the king replies king of postitvly. He proclaims that he wants the flask to be full of blood by morning, proceeding to leave. The trio wonder what they could do, getting the idea to just use a pig. The idea works out great, the pig filling the flask- and the rough equivalent of fifty more. They free Elfo as promised. Upon Elfo mentioning he feels weak and queasy, Luci suggests a boat ride. Scene cut to the party barge. The barge is large and decorated with colorful sails and lights. The man working the barge announces it's time for 'fun and soggy pretzels', the partiers giving a cheer. The man watching people board stops Bean, who hits him in the head with her own head. He lets her on. Merkimer comments that she'll get to "know the crazy, fun me," to which she responds, "I'm lucky in so many ways." Festivities on the barge- mostly involving abusing Elfo- seem to be in full swing, as the man running the barge calls out that mermaid (and walrus) island are getting near. Everyone lines up to get tied to the masts (or get their ears plugged). Luci ties himself to a mast with his tail. Elfo ties Merkimer to a mast, going back to Bean asking if he used a slipknot. Turns out he didn't, so Luci pulls out a knife and tells Bean to cut the ropes. The elf and demon fight over the knife, resulting in it getting knocked overboard. Elfo cheers that 'even the gods didn't want you to do it', Bean going to it anyway with her buck teeth. She distracts Markimer from her plan by pretending to kiss him. Her plan succeeds just as the songs get closer. The various partiers all complement the music, especially Markier's comment of; 'I must have sex with its origin!' Markimer breaks free, jumping from the boat to do diddly do the doodidly did. Turns out, he was seduced by the walruses. He doesn't seem to be upset by this. After the music ends, the captain comments that they usually lose everyone. Bean ultimately loses hope; however, a thirsty Merkimer discovers the "elf blood" which is mostly pig's blood and Elfo convinces him to drink it, transforming him into a pig. Bean, fed up, denounces the marriage and Zøg finally agrees with his daughter. This upsets the king of Bentwood and he and Zøg settle things in a fistfight with Bean, Elfo, and Luci happily watching, ending the episode. Cast *Tara Charendoff as Princess Bean *Nat Faxon as Elfo *Eric Andre as Luci / Pendergast *John DiMaggio as King Zøg *Billy West as Sorcerio, the Jester / Mertz / Pops the Elf *Tress MacNeille as Queen Oona / Prince Derek / The Fairy / Crowd *David Herman as The Herald / Guysbert / Jerry / Captain *Matt Berry as Prince Merkimer *Jeny Batten as Kissy the Elf / (voice) *Rich Fulcher as Cloyd / Turbish *Lucy Montgomery as Bunty / The Enchantress *Maurice LaMarche as Odval / Ogre / The Washmaster / Lord Lingonberry / Giuseppe and Lorenzo I *Lauren Tom as (voice) *Robin Atkin Downes as (voice) *Seth MacFarlane as the Narrator Quotes *'Priestess:' Do you, Guysbert - most exalted Prince of Bentwood, Slayer of Metallica - take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? *'Guysbert:' Deeeeerrrrr, ok. ---- *'Bean:' So, Mer....kimer. (laughs) I know I've been a little cold, and distant and some would say overflowing with revulsion. *'Merkimer:' That's okay, I don't listen to women. *'Bean:' But before we marry and I intrastate of semi-permanent impregnatesy. Whoo!!! I just want to make sure for you have some fun. That's why I insist you have a bachelor party, it will be lay out in open sees with the opening law is the law of known lost. Anything goes, anything, goes. Anything..... goes! *'Merkimer:' (shocked) Whoa! *'Bean:' Be calling a party barge, and it's charning an course for Mermaid Island. *'Merkimer:' Beside of the real mermaids, it's not just name after Gerald became a mermaid. *'Bean:' It was me after him. But it also has mermaids. *'Merkimer:' Intriguing but don't mermaids use them some songs to learn mental their deaths. *'Bean:' Uh... only week my met fall for that. *'Luci:' So you pretty much fine. *'Merkimer:' Very well. I'm in! *'Luci:' What a cult boy idiot. Can I go gym? ---- *'Luci:' Just do it! Do it! DO IT! Trivia *Elves are too light to hang. *When Sorcerio mentions picking Elfo's brain out with a hook (something he doesn't actually do), this is a reference to the Egyptian practice of removing the brain of a pharaoh prior to the mummification process. This is an esoteric reference to Egypt, the birthplace of alchemy: the Arabic word al-kīmiyaʾ actually means "the Egyptian science", borrowing from the Coptic word for "Egypt", kēme (or its equivalent in the Mediaeval Bohairic dialect of Coptic, khēme). * Category:Episodes Category:Disenchantment (2004) episodes